Surrendering

That’s what I’ve been doing of late. Surrendering to the fact that I just can not do it all… not right now anyway. And when I finally tore up the paperwork, (that’s a metaphor for my desires), put my hands in the air, gave in and surrendered, I felt an almighty shift in my mind. And it felt good.

I was going to start up a small business. I still might one day, but not right now. This business idea had me excited, pumped, fuelled. It bubbled with success… but along with that came that shit head, Anxiety.

Of course it came. I was about to launch my life into a whole new direction. It always lurks its filthy head upon change. “Peek-a-boo,” that cheeky fu*ker says as it horrifically, yet gently squeezed at my wind pipes.

I put it down to being nervous about the beginnings of a business. It’s totally normal to feel a bit cautious and nervous I kept telling myself. And I went on planning and dreaming up the idea with my buddy Anxiety, who was always hovering over my shoulder, slowly sipping at my soul.

 

I get a bit airy-fairy, shwarmy hippy here… bare with me.

I’d been doing lots of yoga of late and one particular week we were working on our throat chakras. It’s all about speaking your inner truth. You know, your REAL voice. The one that’s not being trampled on or being overpowered by negative self talk, lust, greed, envy, more, more, more and all that. Anyhow, I love all that hippy shit but anyway..

So I went to my rad mates salon for my 3 monthly hair do. Seriously, what mum has time to have their hair done every 6 weeks? Everytime I go there, I keep meaning to get a haircut that can be managed easily that doesn’t require regular fixing up. Like shaving it all off!. But every damn time I keep going blonder and  shorter and more styled like an idiot and I’m naturally dark brown so by the time 3 months sneaks up, my head looks like a cadbury’s topdeck block.

So continuing on, I was sitting there on my chair getting my topdeck fixed when I started talking about this business idea with my mate. (I tell everyone who will listen.) And I don’t know what happened but I started out the conversation all excited as usual, explaining what the business was going to be like, where it would be, what it’s going to be called, what would happen there. Allllll the plans.

Rad mate was listening intently and eagerly. And then my thoughts and words started to change and unravel. The voice I was scared to listen to, the one I had pushed down and buried, heaved its way up my throat demanding to be spoken. The words just kept spewing out of my mouth.

Nek minut, crazy person. I’m telling her it’s going to be too much on me, I wouldn’t be able to spend quality time with my baby girl, I’d be on the phone and computers all the time organising stuff and I don’t want Luca to see me like that, it was already putting pressure on my hubby and me, I’d have to be ‘ON’ all the time, there’d be no down time, I’d miss so much of Luca’s childhood, I’d be wearing so many ‘hats’ and basically,  I just wouldn’t be able to give %100 in any of the areas of my life. Every sentence I spoke made me feel lighter as I released them.

 

It was one of those light bulb moments. By the end of that hair sesh with Rad mate, I had so swiftly and confidently changed my mind about starting this business. Regardless of its success. My mind was so clear to let this opportunity go. And it felt so right.

I’d previously been telling myself and shit mate, Anxiety,  “If I don’t do it now, someone else will” “I’ll miss the boat”, “Do it, do it do it”

I never wanted to admit defeat that I didn’t or couldn’t do it, but here I was, admitting to myself that it was ok to NOT go ahead with the business. And like magic. Pure fu*king magic, I kid you not, Shit Mate (Anxiety) instantly left me. “Poof.”  “Be gone bitch”. “Your train has left”….(for now)

I literally skipped out of that salon a new woman. A new woman with a new outlook…with a new hairy.

A relief had been lifted from me. The heaviness I never even knew I was carrying left me… and even though Lach had my back %100 throughout the whole planning I could feel his relief lift as I proceeded to tell him that I didn’t want to go through with it anymore.

I guess I’d been feeling a bit lonely or dare I say, ‘bored’ with just being a mum. (There’s only so much pretending eagerly to be a helicopter I can tolerate before getting tired. Honestly, you try make a helicopter sound for more than 5 minutes. Even 1) Everyday I come up with an interesting activity for her, whether it’s a play date, walk, coffee, beach, park or just exploring. It’s tiring and sometimes I think its a bit boring… but underneath,  I really do truly love it. I need to be more grateful in this time.

 

And I know it’s ok to just be a Mum because that’s what I had always really and truly dreamed of being since I was a little girl. It’s what I wished for. My dream already came true.

Of course I have those days when I just want to say “Fuck it” and join in with throwing my weetbix all over the kitchen. (It really does look quite fun) and I know I’m more than ‘just’ a mum. But even being ‘just’ a mum is way, way, way, way, way more than enough. Mums make the world go round. (Literally-not-literally)

I want to be the best mum I can possibly be.

I’m already a Mum/wife/teacher/friend/artist/cleaner/cook/organiser/creatrix/allroundsuperstar. I don’t need to add more pressure by adding another hat of ‘Business Owner’.

Underneath I knew I couldn’t be the Mum I want to be if I went down this business path. I truly admire those woman who can successfully do it all. I see you all over Instagram. You’re inspiring. Some of my best GF’s do it…and do it incredibly well. They make it look fun. They make it look easy. It’s admirable but for me right now, the thought of it makes my Shit Mate (Anxiety) drool and rub his hands together with anticipation.

 

I’m not ready.  Not now….

There’s still plenty of time to do my business one day… And funnily enough,  since I closed the door to that opportunity , it allowed room for me to get creative, pick up my brushes and paint again which feels so, so right… And to top it off, another of my super rad mates offered to buy the painting fromme.

So I’m super stoked.

As one door closes, another opens.

 

So thanks Rad Mates. Thanks for being so rad and allowing me to bounce that off you, for fixing my hair, for purchasing my art… and for reading this  xxx

               

  I surrender myself to being your mum Luca… and I’m totally down with that ‘my little minnow’.

 

 

Nice work throat chakra.